“Oh no.”
How my mom made me question my trans identity.
I almost feel guilty writing this since I’m actually extremely lucky to be in the situation I’m in. My family (or at least everyone in it who matters) respects my pronouns and my medical/social transition. I’m not berated or discouraged when I wear or do things outside of what they’d expect of someone of my assigned gender. Like everyone else, though, they have their… moments. Usually, it’s just a pronoun slip-up, but sometimes it’s worse. For example, my mom was telling a story and used my old pronouns because “that’s what [I was] at the time.” Of course, she was receptive and apologetic once I explained her error, but no matter their intention, some moments just stick with you.
Whenever I have dysphoria, I tend to think about this moment a lot when I interact with my mom. A few months after coming out, she recognized my efforts to seem more feminine, even calling me “prettier than her” on occasion. Of course, I really appreciated the love and support, but the dysphoria-laden part of my brain said. “Oh, c’mon. That’s just patronizing at this point. You literally look like a whole man and she’s just trying to humor you. Enough.” I could beat myself up all I wanted, but at least there was the possibility that my mom actually found me pretty. Unfortunately, now I’m not so sure of that.
