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Why Can’t I Just Love You?
ROCD, Inadequacy, and Guilt
The Basics
Relationship OCD, for those who haven’t heard of it, is a subset of OCD that targets one’s relationships. These can be romantic or platonic, but in my case, I get obsessions and compulsions surrounding my lovely partner. These obsessive thoughts can also be relationship-focused (e.g., Will this last? Are we meant to be? Am I settling? Are they going to leave me?) or partner focused (e.g., That joke fell flat — are they not funny? They chew with their mouth open — is that a dealbreaker? I felt different about my ex, why do I not feel the same for them?). I’ve been lucky enough to have both. Often. All the time. Usually, OCD attacks something that you care a lot about. For me, it’s the value I hold deepest — the desire to love and be loved.
My OCD feels like a vise or a taffy puller, stretching out my brain and gripping my skull until I address the crushing anxiety the uncertainty around the thoughts bring me.
Uncertainty and Guilt
With OCD, the biggest trigger is some sort of uncertainty, especially around something that you care about. With some of the more overt content areas of OCD, it can be easier to determine what you actually feel and what’s OCD. With a relationship, there’s always going to be uncertainty even…
